The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?"

Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy,

'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

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10 minutes of makeup.
3 minutes to try to squeeze into skinny jeans.
30 minutes of straightening hair.
2 minutes to cool down the burn you just got from your straightener.
2 more minutes to re-apply eyeliner.
6 minutes of looking in the mirror making sure you look good.
2 minutes to brush teeth.
20 minutes to get to school.
5 minutes to get to class and sit down..
3 seconds to look over at your desk and realize...
You're absent.
I just wasted 1 hour, 20 minutes, and 3 seconds for you....
And you're not here

A blonde girl is swearing and smashing up her flat.
She calls her boyfriend, "plz babe come home i cant do this f*ckin' puzzle". He asks "Well what's the picture on the puzzles box, that's usually what it should look like?". "A tiger", she says.
Later sitting down he sighs and says to her as she stares at the table, "listen babe, firstly i'm gonna make you a nice hot cuppa tea, secondly you're gonna calm down and thirdly you're gonna put all the kellogs frosties back in the the box